it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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