Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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