you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
