On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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