so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
