There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
