Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
