Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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