Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
