jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
