saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
