69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
