Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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