I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
