no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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