i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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