i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
