New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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