youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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