Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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