My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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