theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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