hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
