fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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