I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
