U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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