I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
