i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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