We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
