Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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