i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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