listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
