her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
