There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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