i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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