Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
