I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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