Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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