Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
