no, he came in my armpit
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We got so high we made milksteak
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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