You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
