why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
