Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She even gives head with a lisp.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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