fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's shark week go big or go home
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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