Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
