Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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