We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she looked like the before picture.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
