So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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