if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
