Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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