I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
