We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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