why didn't you poke me back
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
