hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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