Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
