Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
